Yes, it can.
Saying I'm in a fucked up place right now is an understatement. I'm beyond hurting bad. I'm looking at decisions I have no control of. Saying that's frustrating is an understatement. But even if I had the power to make some of these decisions, I don't know if I could.
Is it all meant to happen? I've always taken the Forest Gump approach... some things are meant to happen, while there is a randomness to it.
I have bouts where I know it's all going to be okay. Other times, I feel like the sun is never going to crest the horizon.
People warned me all along, but I was (or thought I was) in love. Who the hell knows?
That little voice of reason. Ole' Jimmeny Cricket, I ignored his ass. Now I'm paying the price. And my God does it suck.
I'm on speaking terms with the big man. But it's funny how you don't pray nearly as earnestly as you do when in times of need. I haven't prayed or this or that... just for things to go along the best course, whatever that may be.
There's times I feel like breaking down and crying like a little girl. I haven' yet, but I'm sure I will. I've just been numb as something new comes along, further twisting this nightmare into an even more grotesque beast.
If you're reading this, pray for me. I know it'll be alright. I do. But it is fucking hard right now.
Pray for us.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Epiphanies (part 2)...
I just read over my preceding post from months back about my break-up with Heather. You'd think that two horrible break ups would teach me a lesson, but apparently it didn't.
If only I had heeded my own advice and remained resolute. LoL.
Man, the past few days have been shit. My fiance' and on/off girlfriend of the past two years has a problem with alcohol. She binge drinks and usually hits the bottle when stressed. Poor girl has no coping mechanisms.
Well, Friday she drank an entire bottle of wine (and had to go to work Saturday), stayed up with me 'till one in the morning, and got pissed when I was concerned. Sure, I can come across as bossy, but I tell people stuff when I get worried. Heather didn't want to listen, got pissed, smashed some glasses, which sent ome shards across the floor, cutting the top of my foot.
The entire weekend was shit. Monday got worse, and I finally called it quits. Twelve hours later the girl pops five lortabs with a xanax and some liquor to chase it. My poor mom and brother are on suicide watch, and we had to commit her the next day.
What amazed me most was that the psychologist discharged her the next day. His college recommended we move her stuff back to her house and tell her it was a decision by everyone, her aunt and mother included. Well, her aunt was supposed to tell Heather and never did. Then her mom decides it would be good not to call us as she brings her daughter over to the house for whatever reason. So we get a call that they're coming from Heather. Until then, I had held my cool, but I was pretty pissed. I wanted to break things, people, whatever. I haven't been that angry in a long time.
Long story short, we moved the stuff back to her house and if I could put my foot in the doctor's ass I would. Regardless of his college's recommendations, he stated, the move was "cold."
Okay, the girl tried to kill herself and even considered killing her two-year old daughter because she thought Maddie was the problem. That's good medicine. Good fucking medicine.
Half the physicians out there ae total jack asses. I worked with this particular doctor once. He discharged a patient who was on his 7th, his SEVENTH suicide attempt. What the fuck.
These are lives we're talking about here.
I'm just in shock. Glad it's over, glad I didn't get married to the wrong person.
Hopefully I'll go to Nashville, TN in a few weeks. Maybe I can ride a cowgirl.
All women are crazy. But psycho crazy like this is not cool. It's like being at ground zero in 9/11. Until something like this happens o you, you simply cannot imagine or fathom such a thing happening.
If only I had heeded my own advice and remained resolute. LoL.
Man, the past few days have been shit. My fiance' and on/off girlfriend of the past two years has a problem with alcohol. She binge drinks and usually hits the bottle when stressed. Poor girl has no coping mechanisms.
Well, Friday she drank an entire bottle of wine (and had to go to work Saturday), stayed up with me 'till one in the morning, and got pissed when I was concerned. Sure, I can come across as bossy, but I tell people stuff when I get worried. Heather didn't want to listen, got pissed, smashed some glasses, which sent ome shards across the floor, cutting the top of my foot.
The entire weekend was shit. Monday got worse, and I finally called it quits. Twelve hours later the girl pops five lortabs with a xanax and some liquor to chase it. My poor mom and brother are on suicide watch, and we had to commit her the next day.
What amazed me most was that the psychologist discharged her the next day. His college recommended we move her stuff back to her house and tell her it was a decision by everyone, her aunt and mother included. Well, her aunt was supposed to tell Heather and never did. Then her mom decides it would be good not to call us as she brings her daughter over to the house for whatever reason. So we get a call that they're coming from Heather. Until then, I had held my cool, but I was pretty pissed. I wanted to break things, people, whatever. I haven't been that angry in a long time.
Long story short, we moved the stuff back to her house and if I could put my foot in the doctor's ass I would. Regardless of his college's recommendations, he stated, the move was "cold."
Okay, the girl tried to kill herself and even considered killing her two-year old daughter because she thought Maddie was the problem. That's good medicine. Good fucking medicine.
Half the physicians out there ae total jack asses. I worked with this particular doctor once. He discharged a patient who was on his 7th, his SEVENTH suicide attempt. What the fuck.
These are lives we're talking about here.
I'm just in shock. Glad it's over, glad I didn't get married to the wrong person.
Hopefully I'll go to Nashville, TN in a few weeks. Maybe I can ride a cowgirl.
All women are crazy. But psycho crazy like this is not cool. It's like being at ground zero in 9/11. Until something like this happens o you, you simply cannot imagine or fathom such a thing happening.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Epiphanies...
I was recently reminded how damn important chemistry is in a relationship. I've spoken to a few friends about it, and frankly, I share this sentiment: if the magic isn't there in the kiss, it just isn't worth it.
Sounds retarded to base so much on a kiss, but it hasn't lead me astray in the past.
Some people just have no idea what they're doing. It isn't magic being a good kisser or lover. You just have to have some basic sense of your body and pleasing your partner. But for some reason, so many people don't seem to grasp such a simple concept.
I recently dated a girl who was probably the most atrocious kisser ever. Seriously. She held her mouth open like a baby bird expecting a mouthful of food from momma. Then she waved her tongue around. Her only saving grace was that she was attractive AND female. That's it.
The other thing is personality. Man, not to sound like an ass, but so many women seem to LACK personality (trust me though, there's just as many guys with the same affliction). I don't think I'm that special. But man, do a lot of people suck. It amazes me how few people actually think about anything.
Ya wanna know what's sexy? Reading a book. Reading a book naked is even better, but that aside, so many people are just "there" schlepping through life. That's not what we were put her to do. We're self-aware dammit! Fucking evolve. Push yourself. Grow. Adapt. Do something instead of just watching sitcoms all the time. Don't get me wrong, I like my trashy television, but let that grey matter wander on the waves of thought. Don't just sit there and waste away. Hell, I spend a lot of my time playing video games but I question the nature of God, marvel that my heart beats, and think about all sorts of interesting things. Sure, I probably have ADD, but when I'm spacing out, it's probably more interesting than what's in front of my face.
I want a woman who's going to challenge me and help me grow. That was probably the biggest problem I had with my ex. She actually busted my balls for reading. She was brilliant with work-related knowledge, but other than that, she was just "there" like most people. But what made matters worse was that she was aware of her mentality but didn't care anyway.
Don't settle for mediocraty. Settle for the best in all things.
So that's my rant.
End.
Sounds retarded to base so much on a kiss, but it hasn't lead me astray in the past.
Some people just have no idea what they're doing. It isn't magic being a good kisser or lover. You just have to have some basic sense of your body and pleasing your partner. But for some reason, so many people don't seem to grasp such a simple concept.
I recently dated a girl who was probably the most atrocious kisser ever. Seriously. She held her mouth open like a baby bird expecting a mouthful of food from momma. Then she waved her tongue around. Her only saving grace was that she was attractive AND female. That's it.
The other thing is personality. Man, not to sound like an ass, but so many women seem to LACK personality (trust me though, there's just as many guys with the same affliction). I don't think I'm that special. But man, do a lot of people suck. It amazes me how few people actually think about anything.
Ya wanna know what's sexy? Reading a book. Reading a book naked is even better, but that aside, so many people are just "there" schlepping through life. That's not what we were put her to do. We're self-aware dammit! Fucking evolve. Push yourself. Grow. Adapt. Do something instead of just watching sitcoms all the time. Don't get me wrong, I like my trashy television, but let that grey matter wander on the waves of thought. Don't just sit there and waste away. Hell, I spend a lot of my time playing video games but I question the nature of God, marvel that my heart beats, and think about all sorts of interesting things. Sure, I probably have ADD, but when I'm spacing out, it's probably more interesting than what's in front of my face.
I want a woman who's going to challenge me and help me grow. That was probably the biggest problem I had with my ex. She actually busted my balls for reading. She was brilliant with work-related knowledge, but other than that, she was just "there" like most people. But what made matters worse was that she was aware of her mentality but didn't care anyway.
Don't settle for mediocraty. Settle for the best in all things.
So that's my rant.
End.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
2012...
Supposedly, the end of the world.
I say bullshit. LoL.
2012 is when the Mayan calendar ends. There was a special on history channel talking about this. I think it's a load of codswollop, frankly. If the Mayans were around today, they'd just do what we do... amend the calendar.
I was talking to a friend the other day. He's an atheist, I'm not. But I take the "Pascal argument" as he said it. I believe there's a God. If there's not, it doesn't matter.
Just like the Apocalypse. I don't think it's coming anytime soon. Bad stuff? Sure. There's a lot of bad things in the world. But do I think the world's gonna end?
No.
And even if it did, I think something on this resilient speck of earth would survive. Sure, there's some arguments you could pose or provide in which the entire planet did indeed get destroyed.
But if it did, it wouldn't matter. Ya go to God or ya don't.
Me, I think God exists. I think God is inherently good despite all the FUBAR stuff I've seen. And as crazy as it sounds, I think predestination and free will can co-exist. If you think about it hard enough, it may give you a headache, but it may also make sense.
People need to believe in things that make sense to them, not out of fear.
I think life is the greatest gift we've been given. Regardless of whether or not God exists, I think there is no greater sin than to take life.
So be appreciative for the plants and animals that gave you the very special gift of life.
Live, Love, Enjoy.
=)
I say bullshit. LoL.
2012 is when the Mayan calendar ends. There was a special on history channel talking about this. I think it's a load of codswollop, frankly. If the Mayans were around today, they'd just do what we do... amend the calendar.
I was talking to a friend the other day. He's an atheist, I'm not. But I take the "Pascal argument" as he said it. I believe there's a God. If there's not, it doesn't matter.
Just like the Apocalypse. I don't think it's coming anytime soon. Bad stuff? Sure. There's a lot of bad things in the world. But do I think the world's gonna end?
No.
And even if it did, I think something on this resilient speck of earth would survive. Sure, there's some arguments you could pose or provide in which the entire planet did indeed get destroyed.
But if it did, it wouldn't matter. Ya go to God or ya don't.
Me, I think God exists. I think God is inherently good despite all the FUBAR stuff I've seen. And as crazy as it sounds, I think predestination and free will can co-exist. If you think about it hard enough, it may give you a headache, but it may also make sense.
People need to believe in things that make sense to them, not out of fear.
I think life is the greatest gift we've been given. Regardless of whether or not God exists, I think there is no greater sin than to take life.
So be appreciative for the plants and animals that gave you the very special gift of life.
Live, Love, Enjoy.
=)
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I want to thank you...
Last week, I was up in Nashville with my brother, Sarah, Brantley and the rest of the fam.
It's holidays, and being acutely aware of my loneliness, I can't help but think of Heather. How can you not? So many things go through your mind. Plus, it's been about three months now. The reality of it all finally sets in.
Anyhoo, I was bitching about Heather at times, other times I'd randomly say nice things or mention something that reminded me of her. Nat and Sarah pissed me off because they said some nasty things about her. Granted, they're entitled to their own opinion. But frankly, I felt it a tad rude.
See, there's a double-standard with ex's. Only the party involved can bash 'em. As a friend or observer, you can throw in your support. But to explicitly say terrible things, man...
Now I'll be the first to admit my own hypocrisy here. I've bashed Jason's ex multiple times, so I'm not perfect either.
And to Nat and Sarah's defense, I didn't say anything in regards to their comments. And frankly, I don't need an apology. It was small stuff. But it hurt at the same time.
Regardless of how you look at past relationships, I can guarantee there is something positive about it. You've become a better person. You've learned, you've EVOLVED.
That's what life is about.
Heather taught me so much about myself. And though we weren't perfect for each other, we were damn close. Had both of us been willing to go the extra mile we could've been it.
But things were not meant to be.
And that's okay.
I have so many bittersweet memories. Favorite saying I've heard is this: "You never get over someone until you're with someone else."
I think that's true.
You leave pieces of yourself with people. That's why it's so hard.
But you pick up things along the way.
Since I've dated Heather, I've come to appreciate: style, my appearance, Sushi, good food and drink, laughter, and just life in general. She also gave me something I've lacked most of my life: confidence.
So in the end, I think I came out on top.
I met her right at the end of '07 . I remember thinking that it was going to be a signifigant year, I mean, I had turned 24 on the 24th, right? Well, depiste all the emotional hurdles of our relationship and subsequent failure, it was. I've become a better, more awesome person.
We pulled each other out of a rut. I showed her that good guys do exist, and we should all have standards for a reason. I only hope that in her desperation to find love and settle down, she takes her time. Life is a long road. We meet many fellow travelers along the way. Some good, some bad. There's no need to jog or run (although we all do that at times). Take good, purposeful strides.
It's laughable, but when I hear ZZ Top's "I thank you," I think of her.
Pat of me will always love her.
Great girl, hope nothing but the best for her.
I want to thank you.
It's holidays, and being acutely aware of my loneliness, I can't help but think of Heather. How can you not? So many things go through your mind. Plus, it's been about three months now. The reality of it all finally sets in.
Anyhoo, I was bitching about Heather at times, other times I'd randomly say nice things or mention something that reminded me of her. Nat and Sarah pissed me off because they said some nasty things about her. Granted, they're entitled to their own opinion. But frankly, I felt it a tad rude.
See, there's a double-standard with ex's. Only the party involved can bash 'em. As a friend or observer, you can throw in your support. But to explicitly say terrible things, man...
Now I'll be the first to admit my own hypocrisy here. I've bashed Jason's ex multiple times, so I'm not perfect either.
And to Nat and Sarah's defense, I didn't say anything in regards to their comments. And frankly, I don't need an apology. It was small stuff. But it hurt at the same time.
Regardless of how you look at past relationships, I can guarantee there is something positive about it. You've become a better person. You've learned, you've EVOLVED.
That's what life is about.
Heather taught me so much about myself. And though we weren't perfect for each other, we were damn close. Had both of us been willing to go the extra mile we could've been it.
But things were not meant to be.
And that's okay.
I have so many bittersweet memories. Favorite saying I've heard is this: "You never get over someone until you're with someone else."
I think that's true.
You leave pieces of yourself with people. That's why it's so hard.
But you pick up things along the way.
Since I've dated Heather, I've come to appreciate: style, my appearance, Sushi, good food and drink, laughter, and just life in general. She also gave me something I've lacked most of my life: confidence.
So in the end, I think I came out on top.
I met her right at the end of '07 . I remember thinking that it was going to be a signifigant year, I mean, I had turned 24 on the 24th, right? Well, depiste all the emotional hurdles of our relationship and subsequent failure, it was. I've become a better, more awesome person.
We pulled each other out of a rut. I showed her that good guys do exist, and we should all have standards for a reason. I only hope that in her desperation to find love and settle down, she takes her time. Life is a long road. We meet many fellow travelers along the way. Some good, some bad. There's no need to jog or run (although we all do that at times). Take good, purposeful strides.
It's laughable, but when I hear ZZ Top's "I thank you," I think of her.
Pat of me will always love her.
Great girl, hope nothing but the best for her.
I want to thank you.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Life is beautiful...
Been listening to Sixx:A.M.'s song, "Life is Beautiful" lately. Woke up for work the other day, fired up Rock Band and just jammed out.
Nathaniel was up and was like, "WTF, man." Dunno what it was. Just woke up exceptionally perky.
Random bit, I've been reminded two things:
1.) How damn stupid I am.
2.) How important some of our decisions as nurses can be.
Fortunately, I've been lucky (and hopefully smart enough) that I haven't proven to be a complete ass in regards to the second item mentioned. Saw a nurse fuck up today. Big time. One of the guys I work with said this... "We all have a minute... there comes a minute in your life where it depends on the decision of another. Hopefully that other person makes the right decision at the right time."
Damn scary if you ask me.
Great quotes of the night...
One of the docs said to me, "Be a nurse... do what you need to do and don't call me." Made me laugh.
One of my patients was pulling at her leads and wanted to remove her Bi-pap mask. After a night of shit, I just went in, reattached the leads, and told her... "Stop pulling things off or I'm going to tie you up."
She listened and everyone had a good laugh.
Glad I've got four days off. It's Miller time.
Nathaniel was up and was like, "WTF, man." Dunno what it was. Just woke up exceptionally perky.
Random bit, I've been reminded two things:
1.) How damn stupid I am.
2.) How important some of our decisions as nurses can be.
Fortunately, I've been lucky (and hopefully smart enough) that I haven't proven to be a complete ass in regards to the second item mentioned. Saw a nurse fuck up today. Big time. One of the guys I work with said this... "We all have a minute... there comes a minute in your life where it depends on the decision of another. Hopefully that other person makes the right decision at the right time."
Damn scary if you ask me.
Great quotes of the night...
One of the docs said to me, "Be a nurse... do what you need to do and don't call me." Made me laugh.
One of my patients was pulling at her leads and wanted to remove her Bi-pap mask. After a night of shit, I just went in, reattached the leads, and told her... "Stop pulling things off or I'm going to tie you up."
She listened and everyone had a good laugh.
Glad I've got four days off. It's Miller time.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Rock Band...
Is by far one of the most entertaining party games ever. And the fact new songs are added each week makes the longevity of this game endless. I haven't picked up the sequel... yet. But I'm still jamming with the original. And the fact that the songs are back-wards compatible is brilliant. Talk about a great way of extending the life of your product.
Tonight was fun. Played some Rock Band with my brother, Brantley, Matt, and my parents. Yes, my parents played with us. Mom and Dad sang. And they had a good time. It was great to share that with them.
On a random bit, sometimes I game WAAAY too much. I think it borderlines on addiction. But that's what girlfriends are for.
Speaking of which, saw a smoking hot girl at the gym today. Went up, chatted with her, asked her for coffee. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend. But she was cool. And amazingly enough, we kept talking.
I don't know why the hell I have a fear of talking to people. I actually excel with friends. But when I'm alone, I usually get intimidated as hell. Weird.
I don't know how the hell it happens. And as many a friend can attest, I fucking own some social situations. I come across as a cocky ass at times, but that's how I cope with my own insecurities. Plus, I've thrown caution to the wind of late.
Far as I know, I'll only live once. So I better do this shit right. A big part of my improved happiness is taking the filter off the mouth. I still have to have some caution, because I'm a pretty lewd fellah at times.
But I've been having so much fun.
Saying retarded shit makes me laugh.
Also, going to Savannah/Statesboro next weekend.
Tonight was fun. Played some Rock Band with my brother, Brantley, Matt, and my parents. Yes, my parents played with us. Mom and Dad sang. And they had a good time. It was great to share that with them.
On a random bit, sometimes I game WAAAY too much. I think it borderlines on addiction. But that's what girlfriends are for.
Speaking of which, saw a smoking hot girl at the gym today. Went up, chatted with her, asked her for coffee. Unfortunately, she had a boyfriend. But she was cool. And amazingly enough, we kept talking.
I don't know why the hell I have a fear of talking to people. I actually excel with friends. But when I'm alone, I usually get intimidated as hell. Weird.
I don't know how the hell it happens. And as many a friend can attest, I fucking own some social situations. I come across as a cocky ass at times, but that's how I cope with my own insecurities. Plus, I've thrown caution to the wind of late.
Far as I know, I'll only live once. So I better do this shit right. A big part of my improved happiness is taking the filter off the mouth. I still have to have some caution, because I'm a pretty lewd fellah at times.
But I've been having so much fun.
Saying retarded shit makes me laugh.
Also, going to Savannah/Statesboro next weekend.
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